|Would zombies be more successful
at world domination if they used an
electronic quality management system?
Of the myriad ways in which the Earth’s inhabitants could potentially be destroyed, a zombie apocalypse (ZA) is undoubtedly one of the least impressive. Though a ZA is decidedly scary, unpleasant, and would “get the job done” as the un-romantic expression goes, it tends to lack the qualities and traits that truly cataclysmic destruction requires. These destructive qualities include intelligence, charisma and the ability to organize as a group.
It’s no secret that when a human turns zombie it’s downhill from there. Sure, a zombie doesn’t have to worry about personal hygiene, working a 9 to 5 job, or paying annual income taxes but zombies also don’t get to enjoy the benefit of brains…..except when they’re eating them. With a bit more intelligence zombies would realize that they have to organize themselves before they can manage a true takeover. Otherwise, zombies simply aren’t impressing anyone.
Let’s talk aplomb. “Aplomb” is one way to describe a certain level of charisma and it’s definitely something zombies lack. Professional dancers often use the word to describe a dancer who has developed something beyond his/her technique. It’s that “certain something” that makes the audience watch one dancer over another when each dancer has the same level of technical skill. Obviously, creatures such as zombies that spend 90% of their time searching for brains and 10% of their time crunching on brains are not likely candidates for “aplomb” If zombies took a bit more time to cleanse their palates between meals (perhaps with a light spritzer) and stop and “smell the roses” they might have a chance at eating everyone’s brains before they tire and become easily destroyed themselves.
Then there is the issue of organization. Zombies have none. They stumble around bumping into things and mumbling “nonsensicals.” They don’t have the sense to organize, prioritize and attack. It’s no wonder that most humans consider a ZA to be more of a mythical event than a realistic form of destruction (such as the atom bomb, for example). In fact, zombies are so unorganized that they are generally bested after they’ve enjoyed only a few dozen brains. If, however, the zombies managed to utilize an electronic quality management system (eQMS), the ZA would certainly take its place among the most dramatic and fearful forms of destruction, which would certainly be a good thing…..at least for the zombies.
So how could these unfortunate and only somewhat-deadly dolts improve their apocalypse capabilities? Here’s just a few ways that an eQMS would help zombies take their apocalypse to the next level:
By default, zombies don’t need to deal with a lot of paper work but by infiltrating the paper work of millions of human homes and businesses, zombies could archive and quickly search for dinner in the following ways:
- Men by age group
- Women by age group
- Boys by age group
- Girls by age group
- Men by occupation (perhaps zombies have a certain taste for male accountants)
- Women by occupation (or female engineers…)
- Boys by occupation (or 5th graders…)
- Girls by occupation (or 3rd graders…)
Risk management is a big gap area for zombies. Zombies take no care to avoid their own possible destruction, which makes them err in a substantial way on the side of risking too much. Frankly, even lifeless zombies should care enough about existing to take the time to develop a risk management plan.
Integrating risk management within the context of a QMS would allow zombies to predict possible risk scenarios and clearly identify the potential consequences and benefits of each scenario (i.e, eternal destruction vs. more brains) and make choices based on the highest levels of potential benefit. Essentially, with a risk management plan and an eQMS, a ZA would be far more intimidating than it currently stands today.
Characters as stupid and clumsy as zombies are bound to make mistakes. They’re certain to lose some of their own numbers to speedy humans with weapons and they’re bound to lose ground, especially if they are not using an eQMS.
If zombies are in need of anything, they are in need of training. Not only do they need basic training during their initial stages of being a zombie but they also need ongoing training that they can practice/master from anywhere, and at any time, whether it be during the night, during the day or during a raid when the s/he zombie is not exactly sure where to strike next. With automated training, zombies can’t fail at defeating the human race which is really amazing…..if you’re a zombie.
With automated document management, zombies could also create and electronically archive their own zombie operational procedures (ZOPs) and train new zombies according to the highest standards of zombie efficiency and achievement.
Their possibilities for having an enjoyable and organized experience while destroying the human race is endless. It’s truly sad to see so many zombies missing out on fantastic destructive opportunities that literally are right in front of their ugly faces.
A risk management plan would also allow zombies to quickly identify aggressive scenarios with humans (i.e, trying to eat humans’ brains) and the possible risks those scenarios might include. Once identified, this information and a related risk management process could be organized and automated within a QMS.
CAPA management would allow zombies to quickly identify what went wrong on their rampage through "that last town or city" and to take note of the preventive measures they could take to avoid those same mistakes at the next area of interest. A CAPA plan would allow zombies to continually improve their destructive power and brain-eating efficiency at every new city or town. A CAPA management plan could readily assist zombies in taking all of their zombie-mania and brain-eating behavior to new levels of excellence.
With a QMS, zombies can also benefit from automated change management, supplier management, and overall project management.
Though it’s highly unlikely that zombies will ever be smart enough to utilize an eQMS, it’s sure that if they do they will come after the leading MasterControl eQMS. MasterControl’s eQMS easily provides all the solutions necessary to automate and facilitate efficient practices, business processes, risk-management solutions and general brain-eating processes. Quality consultations are also available, though generally not for the zombie populations.
Editor's Note: Though the word “Apocalypse” is generally referring to a cataclysmic event in which good triumphs over evil popular culture has begun to use the term to describe a sort of battle in which either good or evil could triumph equally. It is this “more popular” sense of the word that is utilized throughout this article.
Would you recommend an eQMS to a friend to fight the zombie apocalypse? Even if there’s no zombie war in your future, you can see the benefits an eQMS can bring to your business at mastercontrol.com.
If you are ever caught in a zombie apocalypse, Marci Crane is the woman you want on your side. Marci is MasterControl’s localization manager, which makes her familiar with many places in the world to hide. She speaks several languages, too. When she’s not plotting against zombies, Marci teaches Pilates, goes dancing and loves to read.